I Could Not Cry For A Year, I Was In Shock!

Today marks the 11th anniversary since I lost my mother, ‘Anniversary’?, is that even an appropriate word? I’m not celebrating her passing, I’m mourning it. So what do I call it? I could just say, today marks the 1lth year since I lost my mother? Yeah that sounds better. In no way do I want anyone to think I’m celebrating. On the contrary, I feel very much alone. Now you know I had to write a blog in memory of her, and this is it. I’m not sure what I’ll talk about, so this will be one of those random type posts, where I just talk about whatever is in my mind. And today has been her.

We went out and did a little grocery shopping, there was some good sales, mom would be proud of me. When we did our shopping back in the day, we use to plan our route, from the farthest store to the nearest one, and do our shopping that way, and we did use coupons, not as much as I do now. Wish I did though. But it was like a day event lol. They seemed so long. I loved those days to be quite honest, it’s those regular type days that you miss. I miss her laugh, gosh she was always the serious type, much like me. But when I was able to make her laugh, she had such a great laugh. I felt her love so strong during those times. Gosh I hated arguing with her, or having her mad at me, I just couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t cope, in the sense that, I needed her to forgive me, or something to that effect. So that I knew things were ‘Okay’ between us. Which was most of the time. I was what you called a ‘mommy’s girl’, I’m proud of it, I loved her so much, I was always with mom.

So why the title of the post? Well, the reason I chose it, is because it’s a true statement. I remember the day they came home from the hospital, and my little brother came to me. I stayed home with his kids while they went to see mom. He came, dropped to his knees, and said ‘Moms gone’, oh my god, I feel the pang in my heart, I can feel the tears well up in my eyes, as I recall it. At the time, I just couldn’t feel anything. I believe, I instantly went into shock. I hugged my brother, I could hear my niece and youngest nephew crying, my oldest nephew Michael didn’t really react, he was very close with my mom as well, he always held in his feelings. Honestly as God as my witness, I couldn’t cry, I went to bed, I didn’t cry. I thought about my mother, but I just couldn’t cry. I didn’t understand why? At her wake, I didn’t cry, even when I seen my father cry. I was just like a stone, just staring.

I finally went up to the casket and looked at her, at first I said to myself, “That does not look like my mother!!” they did a horrible job, it wasn’t my mother. I noticed some embalming fluid kind of leaking out of the corner of her mouth. That made me so angry, I wanted to yell at someone, hit someone, get someone fired, for making her look like someone I didn’t recognise, but I didn’t I stood still and just looked at her. I didn’t cry, I didn’t move, I didn’t do anything, just stood there looking at her, not really believing what I’m looking at. Then my eyes moved from her mouth, to her chin, then down to her shoulder, and then down to her hands, and I looked at them, I touched them, they felt cold. But I recognised her hands, she had freckles on them, and I remembered them, because I always use to hold her hand all the time, she got annoyed but I couldn’t help it. I’m a touch feely type person, you can ask William lol. I so loved holding her hand, I felt so much love from my mom.

I had to take a moment. The memories they just … felt so real, like I was re-living it.

I think I want to stop here. I have so many great memories of my mother. I know she won’t be around for when I get married, or have kids. But I had some awesome years with her, I know she loved me, and I have that to take with me forever.

Comments

  1. My mum died 2 months ago… i really miss her.

  2. noibi Nurudeen says:

    tomorrow make my 16 year’s of my lovely mother. to everyone who mother has passed away may almighty God put them in a lovely place and forgive there sin. amin

  3. Thank you for sharing. I lost my mom just a couple weeks ago and it is completely changed Who I am. I don’t know who I am. I feel like a zombie going through the motions hide and cry at all hours of the night and put a smile on my face during the day. The pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt before I watched my mom die. I watched her gasp for her final breath for over half an hour. That is the memory that overshadows everything that I cherished and do cherish. I can’t remember my mom’s voice I can only hear her gasps. I hope someday soon I can have the good memories overshadow her final moments.

    • I am so sorry for your loss, that is how I felt, it has been 15 years, I still to this day remember looking at my mom, not recognizing her at the wake, but even more disturbing is seeing embalming fluid drip from the corner of her mouth. She looked different, i had to look at her hands and see the freckles I remembered, to know it was for certain her. I don’t think of it as much, I try to remember her laugh, happily I have a photo of her expression as she laughs to always remind me. It is not going to be easy hunni, it is going to take a while to live with it, we never forget, but we learn to live with it, my heart aches as I write this, and remember how much I truly do miss her. I don’t know if you will ever read this, but if you need someone to talk to, I am here please email me. Take care.

  4. Sharon jones says:

    Thank you for sharing your emotions ! I do not know what to do with mine ! Mum passed away last November 2013 suddenly ! It’s coming up that day 21st November ! It will be twelve months that I have not spoken to my Mum …. Is what keeps running through my head ! Shock is all I feel not wanting to believe it ! I have tried hard ! Feel alone and lost ! Christmas is coming fast ! The dread of it ! Even more difficult for my dad ! There are many suffering through this time, I keep telling myself ! I’m not alone with this longing pain ! ????

    • @Sharon jones: I feel your pain, and I am so very sorry for your pain, don’t let things haunt you, your mom knows now that you truly love her, Thank you for sharing with me. If you should need to talk to someone, please email me, I would love to talk. Take care, and stop by again, would love to see how you are doing.

      xoxo
      Emily
      Emily recently posted ..A Few Additions

  5. Sharon jones says:

    Beautiful

  6. September 9th, 2014 marks the 3rd year my mom passed. I feel your pain, I understand that no one can ever replace her or even make her look as she did as WE remember. My Mom was my Best Friend, I told her EVERYTHING! I was with her in her last days, taking care of her as she so graciously took good care of me and prayed me through EVERYTHING!! I had the BEST Mother there EVER was, as I’m sure you feel the same about Yours. Mothers can NEVER be replaced! I’m so very sorry for Your Loss and they say time heals and things get better, well I am here to say it DOES NOT get easier and it does NOT get better! I Only ache for her embrace , love , friendship, etc , more and more with each passing day! My Thoughts, Prayers are with you as you feel the emptiness inside and I send you Tight Hugz! Thanks for the words on this page , they mean so very much and speak and inspire more than you will ever know! ~Brenda Eyler

  7. Karen Marce says:

    Im sorry for your lost. this july 21th, my mom have 2 months to passed away. Was so quick, she started to feel sick and 16 days later from her diagnosis she dies. I didnt cry either. I´m a stronger person, but who dont cries for someone which love with all heart? Yes, i am on shock too, and all my siblings needs me, even when i am the 6th of 7. I understand how did you feels, even now, when time passed, Just when you lost a parents, you can understand another person which this kind of lost. I dont choose my mom, and she doesnt choosen me. God sent to share a life together. My mom wasnt perfect, but was my mom, and i adored her, even when she was mad for a towel wet (not mine), when she fighted with my dogs and was anger with my cats… The silence now is so hard to listen! I dont have the change to talk with no one about how alone i feels all this time. My family think I am the most stronger person on whole world. I carry her death alone with her on the hospital at 2.20am. I was the one which made all calls to said the bad news to all my brothers, family, and friends. She passed away just 9 days after her internation on hospital. I knew nothing will help my mom to heals, but will help her to doesnt feel to much pain. Was hard to me see her weak and weak day by day. I knew she will died, when no one is really ready for that. I miss her so much now. She was grandmom, but im single yet, so she will not be for my wedding, meet my sons, spent time with me on christmas or just because. All things you wait from your mom, will not any more for me. I miss even those things I never will could share with her. She was a really believer, a woman of faith, her life was a prayer. She is fine, no more pain, no more sorrow. And one day, I will see her again. I will miss my mom the rest of my days on this Earth… How i cant! I will always loves her…I didnt cry for my mom, not because im stronger… i am the most weak, but I know where is she now. And you arent alone, our moms are watching us, cares us, as just a Mother could do. Hugs.

    • @Karen Marce: I am so very sorry for your loss as well. It is hard, those that have not lost don’t understand the pain and sadness we live with. Over time it gets easier, but there are those days that you just break down again and cry. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to email me me
      Emily recently posted ..My Newest Babies!

  8. Hi hi,

    It’s been a while you wrote this entry but I just came across it. Well, first of all, I am very sorry to read your lines about the loss of your Mom…Second, don’t think you’re alone on this, and you’re “weird” for not crying…I was totally the same. Sounds to me from your entry that I was a lot younger than you are, but like you wrote…I was Mom’s girl too. And I was totally the same way that you were…I was the one who was there when she left….I had my Mom’s cell phone with me, so I called from it Dad and my sisters that if they want to say bye, then come because she just left. They came, and both of my sisters were crying, but I was just standing there like some sort of strange, no word, no tears. One of my sister even saw me, and got mad so grabbed me by the shoulder and shook me hard and yelled at me “CRY!” but I was just staring at her like as if we spoke a completely different language. Never, ever cried…it took 6 months to “realize” what happened, then instead of crying I just went into a spiral downhill and got kicked out of school and so on…took two years for me to climb out of my depression and accept the fact that as much as I hate to admit, life goes on. Do I miss her still? Oh yes!!! It’s going to be only the third year in the summer she left, so it is still very fresh and there’s no day I don’t think of her!!! If I could have one present in this life that would be to have Mom back…I lost my world without her….I’m living, and now going to school, but…it is not my world anymore…and never will be….
    Sophie recently posted ..Happy Mother’s Day!

    • @Sophie: Oh Sophie, gosh I am so sorry for your loss. It’ so much harder when it’s someone younger that loses a parent, I have some years with my mom before I lost her. I know how you feel about how everything just fell apart after you come out of that shock. I hope you are doing better now, I can’t believe I didn’t see this post and I didn’t reply, or maybe I did but on your blog. If not I am so so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. Continue being strong, for your mother, and for yourself, remember her with smiles, more than tears. Take care.
      Emily recently posted ..My Newest Babies!

  9. I am so sorry that you don’t have your Mom here anymore. It is nice to share your memories here. It takes a lifetime to grow up, and it takes the rest of our lives to heal when we lose someone so special.

    Hugs and Blessings for you, Emily
    Sally K Witt, Social Media and Ministry recently posted ..One of many events for the 2nd Anniversary of the Affordable Care Act

    • @Sally K Witt, Social Media and Ministry: Thank you so much Sally, I am so sorry I never replied to this, I don’t know why I didn’t. I usually get notifications of comments. So sorry sweetie, I appreciate the comment so much. And you are right, it is nice to share the memories. My blog is more for me than anyone, it really is therapeutic Thank you for taking the time.
      Emily recently posted ..My Newest Babies!

  10. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Always know that your mother is watching over you.

    • @Kathleen Patel: Hi Kathleen, as I’ve been telling others in my replies, i don’t know why I didn’t get the notification, but I do appreciate the comment. I am so sorry that it brought tears to your eyes, I suppose there is no way around it right? I hope you are doing well. Thank you for taking the time to comment, even if it has been 2 years. Wow I feel horrible. But thank you.
      Emily recently posted ..My Newest Babies!

  11. Oh Emmy, I’m so sorry and totally understand how you feel. Next Saturday is the 4th anniversary of my mother’s death (my dad died 24 years ago) and not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and miss her. I was half-thinking about sharing a poem I wrote about her but hadn’t decided; after reading this, I think I will share that poem…it may touch some people’s souls and help them deal with their loss. Thank you for helping me make up my mind!
    Rhia
    Rhia Roberts recently posted ..Power Naps…A Lesson from Toddlers

    • @Rhia Roberts: Oh Rhia, wow you are welcome. I will have to go and try to find that poem. I have said this a few times in my replies on this post. I am so sorry for not replying. I didn’t even know anyone commented, I am so sorry for your loss, both of them. I still have my father, I am not close to him, haven’t talked to him much since my mother passed. I miss her. I can’t wait to read your poem. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply here. It means a lot to me. These are special comments to me. Take care.
      Emily recently posted ..My Newest Babies!

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