Bloody Hell!

I don’t know what to post about. As of lately it seems to be about my partner Alice. We were planning to fly to California, to visit and do some other things, but she apparently is having 2nd thoughts, and I may just go alone. I don’t think I have fight left in me for her indecisions to be perfectly honest. Sometimes seems like she is just looking for a reason, well I’m not going to argue it, or fight it this time, I’m just going to let the chips fall where they may, and if I go to Calif alone, well then I plan on staying there and never returning to England. But if by chance things change, well then that of course will make me extremely happy, but from the looks of it, there may not be a happy ending.

We had planned on going to a Dolly Parton concert in March, but well if I don’t come back, then I’m not going, I’m sure she has plenty of friends (that I don’t know about) that would love to go with her. I’m hurting right now to be honest, because of the way she is. In all honesty I’m tired of it. I’m not going to get into it, what for? Most people bitch and complain because people post their personal lives, to be honest it’s non of their fucken business what anyone posts on their site, no one is holding a gun to their head, or twisting their freaking arm right? Anyway, I find some relief when I do post about things publicly, maybe to find someone to who can relate, I don’t really know, but all I do know is that it makes me feel better, and well after all who is paying the bill here?

I’m scared though. I really felt I would spend my life with this woman. Heck, yesterday we were talking about kids you know? I mean thats serious stuff, how can it change drastically from that to zero in one day? Hell if I know. I need to cheer myself up, I feel like crying, and that’s probably best thing for me anyway.

I talked to my sister last night after months and months of not hearing from her. I’m so worried. She’s sick, she has a fibrous tumor in her stomach, and it seems to feed on her menstruation, her last menstruation made it grow by 10 lbs, its not cancerous thank God!! But still I am worried. I’m still not over my mothers’ death, probably never will be. I can’t fathom the idea of losing someone like my sister, she’s the closets I have apart from my mother. She has two appointments coming up, and from what we talked about, I really hope things work out to how she wants, I hate to hear she is in pain, really kills me inside, depresses me and just makes me soooo sad anyway please say a prayer for her, and for me and my situation. I know the Angels are looking over us, but another little prayer wouldn’t hurt. I need to call my brother, someone else I haven’t spoken to in months and months, I had to stay up so that I can call him at a good hour, so now is the time.