Reality Check

That’s a big statement in itself, I’m sure we all know that the truth hurts but sometimes the truth needs to be said. Last night, Alice asks me the question “how do you know you are in love” it’s a hard question to answer really. Personally if I am in love, truly in “love” I don’t question it, I don’t even ask myself “Do I really love this person?” Anyway, I told her my thoughts about that, and she told me that she loves me, but she don’t think she’s “in love” with me. I tell you, that does hurt. So last night I did sleep in the same bed lol, but she stayed up till like 4am, I kinda did too. I didn’t feel much like doing anything online, so I shut down my laptop and just crawled into bed. She was in the living room, working on her “novel” and listening to music, and who knows what else. Today though, when I got up, I felt I don’t know really sad, depressed to be honest. I still do as I write this. I know she cares for me very much, but I told her I can’t be with someone that don’t love me the way I love them. She asked me later in the day, “Are you in love with me?” I said, “yes, I am in love with you”. So the whole day has been like a blur, still feels like it, I can’t believe it’s going on 10pm and I can’t shake the feeling, probably won’t for a good while. I couldn’t even get myself to make dinner. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I told her we will need to talk what the next step is. I believe it will be to separate. She said that maybe I can go back to California, get a job, see if I can share an apt/house with my brother (he did mention something to me about that), and then we keep in touch and maybe that will change things for us. See right now I can’t work legally in the UK, I don’t have a work visit just a visitor visa, so yeah that is causing problems, financially and not to mention she feels like I’m using her, which I’m not, heck she asked me to move down here with her? You know? My visa will run out soon enough, and I may not get an extension and just return to California. I also told her, that if i was to go to California, and then she decides she does want to try with me again, I told her I couldn’t go back with her. I couldn’t goback with her knowing that she’d been with someone else. Especially if I’m in California still holding a torch for her (still in love and hoping) I just can’t it wouldn’t be fair to me. So I’d rather just go back and we keep in touch if so be, and I don’t know what would happen next, heck for all I know it can happen. *sigh* This is a big reality check. I love her so much, and it kills me to know she is not in love with me, kills me so hard. I told her I probably will cry, but not right away. I’m one of those that is in a state of shock, and things sink in and then I release. I’m sad, really sad, hurting inside. I know things will get better over time. It’s just getting through all that time that is going to come up. Best thing is to concentrate on other things eh? I think she is in love with me though, but there are things issues that make her think differently. I don’t know we’ll see. Say a lil pray for me.