*Stares Blankly*

I swear thats what I did for about two minutes. Thinking what should I write about. I have a lot on my mind but don’t feel like writing it, much less boring the hell out of visitors. I have a few words with my ex tonight, very unpleasant conversation. I do call her my ex, I have been for a while now. It’s just not working. She is not for me, I can’t handle the way she is. I’m pretty much her punching bag, except she don’t actually hit me, okay she has twice but only twice and the second time I almost threw my laptop at her, I have a heavier one now so she best chill. Finances always brings problems to relationships, she yells a lot at me. I told her that it’s best I don’t come back here. I think it’s a wise decision, even though I do want to live in England. I’ll see how things go. I’ll eventually return, when? I’m not sure. In the mean time I’ll carry on with what we have planned. I feel that my relationship with her has been an abusive with. Not me, but her towards me. Not only verbally but like I mentioned, physically and I know no one should put up with that, I’m the first to say it. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just pick up and go. I never thought I would give someone the benefit of the doubt.

First time it happend was on New Years eve of going into 2006 after we had been partying some, we got into a shoving match over something stupid I don’t even remember, well she has strong legs and likes to kind of kick me with them, but before she pushed me with her legs and I grabbed her head and waked her with my forehead against her nose just like in the movies lol, I know its not funny but I did it. Next day she had brusing around the eyes. Then later she was on the bed and leaning back I guess thinking I was going to hit her and her long ass legs pushed me and I fell back against the fireplace and cracked my head open, being I was intoxicated it didn’t hurt much. But I ws bleeding an awful lot, she didn’t call the ambulance I told her not to I just put pressure on the area so the bleeding would stop. I guess in some ways I blame myself. Well I have a nice scar on the back of my head from that. The second time it was last year, we were in the living room having a discussion that turned into an arguement then a shouting match. I was sitting down on the couch with a small table in front of me and I was doing something on my laptop, she was yelling and as usual I was being a smart ass (but again no reason for violence) we were not drinking, actually we were having a cup of tea. I remember because after she was yelling and I said something, I guess she couldn’t control herself, she punched me on the side of my head while I was looking down (cheap shot I know), after that I picked up my favorite tea cup (Walt Disney’s Tiger was on it), and I threw it into the fireplace and that made a really loud noise, then I got up and started to really yell at her, I swear I almost threw my laptop at her, but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t hurt her. We just yelled at each other, than our downstairs nosey neighbor (Robert) came knocking, and that kind of diffused the argument, I went to the room really upsert and I began to cry. I can hear them talking and Robert asking Al to tell me to come out, but I didn’t want to talk to no one. So they talked for awhile, she came in a few times to see if I was okay. I couldnt really talk to her for at least a week, she would apologize a lot but that didn’t matter to me. She was seriously out of line.

Those are really the only two times it happened. I think those times are the ones that made me start changing the way I felt about her, not to mention the verbal abuse. Why am I sharing this with strangers? Hell if I know. I guess I just felt like rationalizing why I don’t want to be with her. I don’t like how she resorts to yelling. I really dislike that. I care very much about her, I do. I don’t want to lose touch with her, I want to be her friend, but I don’t want something serious with her. She has so many very good qualities about her, but some very bad ones as well. I know it don’t sound like she would, but she does. And I have to defend her in that way, she has a good heart. But she can’t handle stress at all. Well there is my rant, didn’t know it would lead to that, actually I lie. Because of our arguement tonight, is why this came up. I’m saddened now. I think I’ll go. Thanks if you read it, and if you don’t leave a comment its okay. Have a great rest of the week!