Even though I slacked off on this 30 Days of Truth, no one said, it had to be one after another now did they? Lol. So with that said, let’s move on. Oh yeah if you are interested in doing it, check out where I started click here, will show you all you need to do. Have fun with it!
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Wow this one is really hard, because it goes so deep, it’s the first time I had spoke about it publicly. I almost don’t even want to share it. I guess because I feel I will be judged, then again I never give a shit what people think haha. So you are in luck. Well I can say that about 10 years ago, I lost my mother. God rest her soul. But before she passed away, over time. I noticed she got ill, and it just progressed and seemed to get worse. Years before she got ill, she would play around and pretend she was ill, so we would do certain things for her, yeah it was a joke and we always fell for it.
So naturally when she was ‘really’ ill, I kind of didn’t believe her, but at the same time I did, if that makes any sense? So since at that time, I had been layed off of work, it was a perfect time for me to be home, and help my mom since everyone else was off at work. I love my mother to bits, you really need to understand that. Well sometimes I would be doing some work online, and she would be calling me upstairs for every little thing. I guess I was in a ‘mood’ and I would go up with an ‘attitude’ and ask what she wanted. It varied, from wanting lunch (that she didn’t like for one reason or another) but honestly I think it was her sickness that made her not like it.
There were times, she would say that she wanted me to spend time with her, and me with the ‘attitude’ of not being left alone to tend to my work online, would not spend as much time with her as she wanted. I know now that she just didn’t want to be alone, especially when she felt ill. Looking back, I should of brought her downstairs to the family room with me, made her comfortable and cosy on the sofa, although she really needed the bed.
Anyway fast forwarding, her illness progressed and then was hospitalised and not too long after it got to that point that she needed to be hospitalised, did she passed away. It’s very hard for me to forgive myself for not spending that time she wanted, all the time in the world, you know? I just didn’t think her illness was life threatening. There is a lot more to this story that I just don’t want to go into, but when I seen she seemed to really be in pain, I told my father and brother, if you don’t take her to the hospital now, I will! With that they left. Less than a week later she passed away.
I don’t know if I can forgive myself for this, I feel like crying, but I’m trying to keep my composure. I went into a deep depression after she passed away for a few years, family got worried about me at one point. I blame myself a lot of times, if I would of spent more time with her, maybe I would of realised she needed help sooner. Most times I would listen to my father being he was always around her too, he woud often say she was ‘ok’. God forgive me for not paying attention more.
So there you go, I can’t seem to find it in me right now to forgive myself, but maybe one day I will. I love her so much and I miss her so very much. I hope I can forgive myself one day, but right now I can’t.