Today marks the 11th anniversary since I lost my mother, ‘Anniversary’?, is that even an appropriate word? I’m not celebrating her passing, I’m mourning it. So what do I call it? I could just say, today marks the 1lth year since I lost my mother? Yeah that sounds better. In no way do I want anyone to think I’m celebrating. On the contrary, I feel very much alone. Now you know I had to write a blog in memory of her, and this is it. I’m not sure what I’ll talk about, so this will be one of those random type posts, where I just talk about whatever is in my mind. And today has been her.
We went out and did a little grocery shopping, there was some good sales, mom would be proud of me. When we did our shopping back in the day, we use to plan our route, from the farthest store to the nearest one, and do our shopping that way, and we did use coupons, not as much as I do now. Wish I did though. But it was like a day event lol. They seemed so long. I loved those days to be quite honest, it’s those regular type days that you miss. I miss her laugh, gosh she was always the serious type, much like me. But when I was able to make her laugh, she had such a great laugh. I felt her love so strong during those times. Gosh I hated arguing with her, or having her mad at me, I just couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t cope, in the sense that, I needed her to forgive me, or something to that effect. So that I knew things were ‘Okay’ between us. Which was most of the time. I was what you called a ‘mommy’s girl’, I’m proud of it, I loved her so much, I was always with mom.
So why the title of the post? Well, the reason I chose it, is because it’s a true statement. I remember the day they came home from the hospital, and my little brother came to me. I stayed home with his kids while they went to see mom. He came, dropped to his knees, and said ‘Moms gone’, oh my god, I feel the pang in my heart, I can feel the tears well up in my eyes, as I recall it. At the time, I just couldn’t feel anything. I believe, I instantly went into shock. I hugged my brother, I could hear my niece and youngest nephew crying, my oldest nephew Michael didn’t really react, he was very close with my mom as well, he always held in his feelings. Honestly as God as my witness, I couldn’t cry, I went to bed, I didn’t cry. I thought about my mother, but I just couldn’t cry. I didn’t understand why? At her wake, I didn’t cry, even when I seen my father cry. I was just like a stone, just staring.
I finally went up to the casket and looked at her, at first I said to myself, “That does not look like my mother!!” they did a horrible job, it wasn’t my mother. I noticed some embalming fluid kind of leaking out of the corner of her mouth. That made me so angry, I wanted to yell at someone, hit someone, get someone fired, for making her look like someone I didn’t recognise, but I didn’t I stood still and just looked at her. I didn’t cry, I didn’t move, I didn’t do anything, just stood there looking at her, not really believing what I’m looking at. Then my eyes moved from her mouth, to her chin, then down to her shoulder, and then down to her hands, and I looked at them, I touched them, they felt cold. But I recognised her hands, she had freckles on them, and I remembered them, because I always use to hold her hand all the time, she got annoyed but I couldn’t help it. I’m a touch feely type person, you can ask William lol. I so loved holding her hand, I felt so much love from my mom.
I had to take a moment. The memories they just … felt so real, like I was re-living it.
I think I want to stop here. I have so many great memories of my mother. I know she won’t be around for when I get married, or have kids. But I had some awesome years with her, I know she loved me, and I have that to take with me forever.